Why Sonja lost her Temper

I had a huge blowout with Robin. I looked like a complete fool in front of a lot of parents and all the kids. I thought I would most likely take most likely take Leilani out of school, and struggled making the decision all morning and afternoon, but it didn’t get to it.

Many of the issues were mentioned in this email. I sent it Monday, and talked with Robin about it the same day, while she was reading it and afterwards I thought we had a few constructive ideas, and I hoped things would improve.

Hi Robin,

I’d like an explanation, and if possible fix what seems like a big problem to me: I feel there is a lack of supervision and guidance as well as missing of safety procedures and rules. I would like to know if there is a reason or a philosophy behind it – in which case I’d like to read up on it or be explained the background, or if there are no reasons I’d like to know if something can be done to fix what I perceive as danger to my child.

I arrive at this conclusion because in less than half a year 2 children went missing for more than 15 minutes during a hike, because there is no buddy system for field trips, because children were running totally out of control at the playground, there were 2 accidents that had broken skin in one case and a lot of blood in the other and there was not the slightest involvement, reprimanding or trying to calm the energy (like a meditation, or game or just telling them they need to be calmer). I also heard Larissa left the school, rode her bike home and was back before anyone knew she was missing. I was also disappointed with the complete lack of supervision on the boat, which I perceive as a dangerous place and the rules (life vest, no jumping on the trampolines, no hanging on the railing…) that were not followed or had exceptions that left me struggling explaining to the rest of the kids how come it’s OK if Ocean does it and not OK for the rest of them. I have heard, mainly from Leilani talking to her friends but also directly that there is no supervision at recess, and that “…the only reason Robin would get involved is if someone beat Kanoe until she cried…” The explicit reason for this discussion was that a chorus of other children had chanted an insult to Kanoe until she cried, but there were many other situations involving unsafe behavior, mild violence and bullying that Leilani and sometimes her friends told me about.

I strongly believe in prevention. I use seat belts, bike helmets, insurance and still hold Leilani’s hand on a dangerous road. I believe in trying to identifying unsafe, dangerous situations and sources of conflict before situations escalate or accidents happen. I believe in a few simple safety and social rules. I believe these rules are even more important for kids that are slightly on the autistic spectrum. And I believe not even middle schoolers should be left completely unsupervised at recess, or on playgrounds or on hikes or boats, not even for a few minutes.

Given all this, I must insist that Leilani may not go on any field trip unless Andy or I are present for the entire trip, or one of us gives signed and explicit written permission which needs to include date and location of the field trip.

I’d really like to talk about these things today, but in case you would like to think about them some more I’m also fine to receive a written answer within the next few days.

Aloha, with great hope of the issues getting resolved

Sonja

Sadly, towards the end of the discussion Robin mentioned that no further precautions were needed, as all I needed was trust, and she firmly believed in the law of attraction, and held the highest intentions for these kids and prayed for these kids… I had a really hard time getting a word in, and then the phone rang and she more or less said the discussion was over…

I started the following email

Hi Robin,

I do understand and know the theory of the law of attraction, and positive thinking, and I really believe they can be beautiful additions to a more … rooted … in lack of a better word … safety program. I do appreciate that you pray for the kids, but I still have concerns.

The law of attraction attracts to the person doing the attracting. You can’t practice this for others. I just recall an incident in Sedona last year, several people died while on a seminar which was teaching them about the law of attraction. 2 spiritual teachers I personally know (I had the names there but won’t post that on the blog, as one of them just happened weeks ago) lost a child within less than three years, while dozens or hundreds of people prayed for them. These things are personal.

I feel some of the things you said almost sounded as if I – with my worry and negative thinking – drew all the accidents and strange situations

And then I realized it needed a lot more work and I’d finish it today, without Leilani needing stuff and when I was a bit calmer about the whole thing.

A few things that were not in the emails at all, but are needed to understand the following.

People sometimes try to use NLP or a similar technique. That stands for Neuro-linguistic programming. It works like this. The person doing the NLP grabs your hand (or shoulder or whatever other body part sticks out) change their body language and facial expression at will to what they think mirrors yours, and it it’s psychotherapist try to help you to leave an addiction or a problem behind, or do something better. At least that’s how I understand it, never tried. But often it gets used in negotiations, or other regular communications, it creeps me out, because I can usually see the fake body language and I don’t like to be touched by strangers. But especially I don’t like being programmed and manipulated.

Robin touches me in exactly that way. Often. If other people are there and I can’t get away I let her, but I usually move away, even if it means getting out of my chair and pacing or walking away, once when we were alone I told her politely to stop.

Robin accepted 3 new kids at school. Last week was their first week, on Tuesday we decided that Leilani, as she was overreacting to all the excitement should stay home on Wednesday. It worked really badly. Leilani’s home schooling went well, but stuff I should have done did not happen (after Mikey went blind on Monday and with our planned trip for Sunday and it’s partial cancellation and a few other minor catastrophes I should have done a lot of stuff…) On Thursday, less than a week ago I told Robin I needed more advanced warnings and had a hard time with short notice staying at home.

Today I dropped off Leilani, and wanted to drive straight to my acupuncture appointment (funny sidenote, to treat my stress levels). Robin asked 2 kids to get me as she needed to talk to me. She informed me in front of at least 2 other parents and all the kids that there was a field trip tomorrow, with a huge smile on her face. I replied that Leilani could not go, and that it was highly inconvenient for me as I had my day planned and asked why she had not told me on Monday. “Yes, I could have done that…” Robin’s grin was just as big. Her voice sounded sweet and sticky as high fructose corn syrup. I replied “Well she can’t go.” I was calm on the surface, and just slightly angry underneath. Robin’s huge smile got bigger, which already irritated me. She replied, again more singing than talking: “That is, unless you can move back to a point of trust, you **have to** get back to a point of trust, remember the law of attraction, and we will stay together as a group and everything will be fine… ” While she said that she tried to grab my hand. I made a step back. She came forward. I jumped back. She kept coming at me. I yelled at the top of my lungs “Don’t touch me, don’t ever touch me in a situation when I’m upset already, I so don’t appreciate the way you touch me!!!!”

I so lost it. I was facing the scared looking kids and the adults that thought I had lost my mind. Everyone starred at me in disbelieve. Robin grinned at me. “I am so sorry” she sang with the huge smile (and nobody could see her, all they saw was me, looking scary). I yelled “No, you are not.” She changed her voice and facial expression and notched up concern and compassion. “Oh yes, I truly am…”

I yelled “I’m pulling Leilani out of school” while I stormed off. As Leilani had a play date prearranged (fortunately) I did not pick her up. Robin, thoughtfully sent all of Leilani’s stuff home with the other mom.* I assume it means she happily accepted my offer to pull Leilani out (and the number of students is more manageable now with the 3 new ones) At least I don’t have to make any decisions, because I really struggled whether or not to leave her there, or to end it now, or at the end of the school year. Now I need a new school. And I feel so sorry for Leilani who has many friends there and is crying.

* Just to clarify: I had asked the other mom to let Leilani know she was not going back to school for at least the next 2 weeks – spring break starts on Monday – and to take home all stuff that she really likes, but by no means had I asked for all the stuff to be sent home. And yest, the chances would have been high that I would have taken her out of school anyway. But I kind of had expected a little more time to think about it and it to be my decision rather than us just being sent home… I feel very provoked and kind of stupid that I swallowed the bait that easily… but so it goes.

** And yes, at least 2 families agree with the philosophy of “no seat belt needed” and really say that buckling yourself into the car or applying sunscreen or wearing a life vest will just draw negative energy and should be avoided. (“How did you draw the experience of your car being stolen into your existence. Ask yourself why you needed it” and “No sunscreen for me, my mommy would be really upset if I put it on” both actual quotes of the 2 families.