I had a huge blowout with Robin. I looked like a complete fool in front of a lot of parents and all the kids. I thought I would most likely take most likely take Leilani out of school, and struggled making the decision all morning and afternoon, but it didn’t get to it.
Many of the issues were mentioned in this email. I sent it Monday, and talked with Robin about it the same day, while she was reading it and afterwards I thought we had a few constructive ideas, and I hoped things would improve.
Hi Robin,
I’d like an explanation, and if possible fix what seems like a big problem to me: I feel there is a lack of supervision and guidance as well as missing of safety procedures and rules. I would like to know if there is a reason or a philosophy behind it – in which case I’d like to read up on it or be explained the background, or if there are no reasons I’d like to know if something can be done to fix what I perceive as danger to my child.
I arrive at this conclusion because in less than half a year 2 children went missing for more than 15 minutes during a hike, because there is no buddy system for field trips, because children were running totally out of control at the playground, there were 2 accidents that had broken skin in one case and a lot of blood in the other and there was not the slightest involvement, reprimanding or trying to calm the energy (like a meditation, or game or just telling them they need to be calmer). I also heard Larissa left the school, rode her bike home and was back before anyone knew she was missing. I was also disappointed with the complete lack of supervision on the boat, which I perceive as a dangerous place and the rules (life vest, no jumping on the trampolines, no hanging on the railing…) that were not followed or had exceptions that left me struggling explaining to the rest of the kids how come it’s OK if Ocean does it and not OK for the rest of them. I have heard, mainly from Leilani talking to her friends but also directly that there is no supervision at recess, and that “…the only reason Robin would get involved is if someone beat Kanoe until she cried…” The explicit reason for this discussion was that a chorus of other children had chanted an insult to Kanoe until she cried, but there were many other situations involving unsafe behavior, mild violence and bullying that Leilani and sometimes her friends told me about.
I strongly believe in prevention. I use seat belts, bike helmets, insurance and still hold Leilani’s hand on a dangerous road. I believe in trying to identifying unsafe, dangerous situations and sources of conflict before situations escalate or accidents happen. I believe in a few simple safety and social rules. I believe these rules are even more important for kids that are slightly on the autistic spectrum. And I believe not even middle schoolers should be left completely unsupervised at recess, or on playgrounds or on hikes or boats, not even for a few minutes.
Given all this, I must insist that Leilani may not go on any field trip unless Andy or I are present for the entire trip, or one of us gives signed and explicit written permission which needs to include date and location of the field trip.
I’d really like to talk about these things today, but in case you would like to think about them some more I’m also fine to receive a written answer within the next few days.
Aloha, with great hope of the issues getting resolved
Sonja
Sadly, towards the end of the discussion Robin mentioned that no further precautions were needed, as all I needed was trust, and she firmly believed in the law of attraction, and held the highest intentions for these kids and prayed for these kids… I had a really hard time getting a word in, and then the phone rang and she more or less said the discussion was over…
I started the following email
Hi Robin,
I do understand and know the theory of the law of attraction, and positive thinking, and I really believe they can be beautiful additions to a more … rooted … in lack of a better word … safety program. I do appreciate that you pray for the kids, but I still have concerns.
The law of attraction attracts to the person doing the attracting. You can’t practice this for others. I just recall an incident in Sedona last year, several people died while on a seminar which was teaching them about the law of attraction. 2 spiritual teachers I personally know (I had the names there but won’t post that on the blog, as one of them just happened weeks ago) lost a child within less than three years, while dozens or hundreds of people prayed for them. These things are personal.
I feel some of the things you said almost sounded as if I – with my worry and negative thinking – drew all the accidents and strange situations
And then I realized it needed a lot more work and I’d finish it today, without Leilani needing stuff and when I was a bit calmer about the whole thing.
A few things that were not in the emails at all, but are needed to understand the following.
People sometimes try to use NLP or a similar technique. That stands for Neuro-linguistic programming. It works like this. The person doing the NLP grabs your hand (or shoulder or whatever other body part sticks out) change their body language and facial expression at will to what they think mirrors yours, and it it’s psychotherapist try to help you to leave an addiction or a problem behind, or do something better. At least that’s how I understand it, never tried. But often it gets used in negotiations, or other regular communications, it creeps me out, because I can usually see the fake body language and I don’t like to be touched by strangers. But especially I don’t like being programmed and manipulated.
Robin touches me in exactly that way. Often. If other people are there and I can’t get away I let her, but I usually move away, even if it means getting out of my chair and pacing or walking away, once when we were alone I told her politely to stop.
Robin accepted 3 new kids at school. Last week was their first week, on Tuesday we decided that Leilani, as she was overreacting to all the excitement should stay home on Wednesday. It worked really badly. Leilani’s home schooling went well, but stuff I should have done did not happen (after Mikey went blind on Monday and with our planned trip for Sunday and it’s partial cancellation and a few other minor catastrophes I should have done a lot of stuff…) On Thursday, less than a week ago I told Robin I needed more advanced warnings and had a hard time with short notice staying at home.
Today I dropped off Leilani, and wanted to drive straight to my acupuncture appointment (funny sidenote, to treat my stress levels). Robin asked 2 kids to get me as she needed to talk to me. She informed me in front of at least 2 other parents and all the kids that there was a field trip tomorrow, with a huge smile on her face. I replied that Leilani could not go, and that it was highly inconvenient for me as I had my day planned and asked why she had not told me on Monday. “Yes, I could have done that…” Robin’s grin was just as big. Her voice sounded sweet and sticky as high fructose corn syrup. I replied “Well she can’t go.” I was calm on the surface, and just slightly angry underneath. Robin’s huge smile got bigger, which already irritated me. She replied, again more singing than talking: “That is, unless you can move back to a point of trust, you **have to** get back to a point of trust, remember the law of attraction, and we will stay together as a group and everything will be fine… ” While she said that she tried to grab my hand. I made a step back. She came forward. I jumped back. She kept coming at me. I yelled at the top of my lungs “Don’t touch me, don’t ever touch me in a situation when I’m upset already, I so don’t appreciate the way you touch me!!!!”
I so lost it. I was facing the scared looking kids and the adults that thought I had lost my mind. Everyone starred at me in disbelieve. Robin grinned at me. “I am so sorry” she sang with the huge smile (and nobody could see her, all they saw was me, looking scary). I yelled “No, you are not.” She changed her voice and facial expression and notched up concern and compassion. “Oh yes, I truly am…”
I yelled “I’m pulling Leilani out of school” while I stormed off. As Leilani had a play date prearranged (fortunately) I did not pick her up. Robin, thoughtfully sent all of Leilani’s stuff home with the other mom.* I assume it means she happily accepted my offer to pull Leilani out (and the number of students is more manageable now with the 3 new ones) At least I don’t have to make any decisions, because I really struggled whether or not to leave her there, or to end it now, or at the end of the school year. Now I need a new school. And I feel so sorry for Leilani who has many friends there and is crying.
* Just to clarify: I had asked the other mom to let Leilani know she was not going back to school for at least the next 2 weeks – spring break starts on Monday – and to take home all stuff that she really likes, but by no means had I asked for all the stuff to be sent home. And yest, the chances would have been high that I would have taken her out of school anyway. But I kind of had expected a little more time to think about it and it to be my decision rather than us just being sent home… I feel very provoked and kind of stupid that I swallowed the bait that easily… but so it goes.
** And yes, at least 2 families agree with the philosophy of “no seat belt needed” and really say that buckling yourself into the car or applying sunscreen or wearing a life vest will just draw negative energy and should be avoided. (“How did you draw the experience of your car being stolen into your existence. Ask yourself why you needed it” and “No sunscreen for me, my mommy would be really upset if I put it on” both actual quotes of the 2 families.
We went on a whale watching trip today!
We had to get up super early and met at the school around 7:15 and carpooled to Port Allen. I was in a car with Robin and Chantalle, and got to listen about the (really interesting) story about them moving to Bali and the green school. Sadly, 5 minutes before we arrived Orus’ dad called, while driving through Anahola, trying to coordinate the boat to wait for him. Robin parked and stayed on the phone. Chantalle and her son left. Isabella and I were trying to figure out how to get the girls to the bathroom (with or without the lunches) – so finally after almost 10 minutes I used my “teacher Sonja” voice and ordered to leave backpacks and life vests and cross the street to go to the bathroom. Robin hung up the phone that second, and ordered them to take their stuff. We crossed the street a bit unorderly for my taste, and the kids took their lunches and stuff into the restrooms, which I thought was gross. It got a bit better after that. We did a little blessing that Chantalle lead to call the whales and ask for calm weather and water and a few other things…
The captain told us all about the rules on the boat, but I could not really understand it all as it was too loud. I figured there would be at least 3 other people watching the kids and did not worry about it. Robin did not assign buddies, and I was a bit alarmed from the lack of coordination already, so I asked her if she was not going to assign buddies… she looked at me strangely and said. Everybody, grab somebodies hand. I was not too happy about that, but it was too loud and chaotic for me to even try to explain what I meant. …
Sadly I forgot the ginger cookies I had brought to share. We went on the boat, and I let people know I had made strong ginger tea, but they preferred ginger ale, which I thought did not have a lot of ginger in it… anyway, Leilani and I had drunk a lot of tea. We put our stuff down, and 2 kids, followed by Leilani ran to the front. I told the adults I was going to the front with them, as I did not feel the boat was a safe enough place to leave Leilani alone. We found a nice bench in the front of the boat, prime views, and as far as possible from the potentially seasick people in the back of the boat.
Most the time the children behaved really well. We had lots of fun, even though there were not a lot of whales. I was a bit disappointed that the kids were told to were life vests, but then one of them got an exception, and nobody really explained to me who was exempt and I did not know how well the other kids swam. It made me a bit unpopular, as I enforced the original rule and made them put their life vests on. Later they figured out they could go back to Robin and take their life vests off too. Robin later said that captain Aaron had said they could go without, as they were tall enough.
Occasionally some of them went to the back, which worried me and left me struggling whether to stay with the ones fairly safe in the front, or go with the ones walking towards the back …
Chantalle came to the front for a while, but she was the only adult. Isabella was a bit seasick, and Robin said she was feeling great, but didn’t look the part, so I assumed she was a bit seasick too.
A whale. No a turtle. And what the kids are doing is forbidden, as I later learned from the other boat guide, as if the boat was to hit a big wave in just the moment their chin hovered on top of the reeling…
There was a lot of wind…. and Leilani had to go to the bathroom, and did not want to use the marine toilet…
Lining up to drive the boat
Captain Leilani
Fortunately the rain spared us. That was the end of the good part of the trip, I was upset at Robin at that point, because she had not once helped out in the front, or taken a child back and forth, or even come to talk about whales or their experience…
I had to go to the bathroom, as well as Leilani. Robin did not tell the kids when we came from the boat ramp onto the road. Isabella and I tried to shuffle them to the side, while Robin and Chantalle were upfront. Robin wanted to leave right away, that left me to suggest a bathroom break. After that we drove to Kahili Mountain Park. We had lunch, and the kids had a lot of pent-up energy. Before lunch there was some crying, after lunch they ran wild.
Waaaayyyy too wild for my taste. Not surprisingly after getting up 2-3 hours earlier than normal, and sitting all morning. I guess my ginger cookies did not help either…. not even 5 minutes after they started playing Eden fell off the Merry-Go-Round, and was dragged, she screamed. After she managed to free herself she ran off. Robin looked up from her discussion with Chantalle and said “She’s still moving, she is all right.” I could not believe my ears. I could not believe how insensitive a person could be towards a crying child, Eden is really tough (when it comes to bodily pain) and it seemed cruel and obnoxious of a teacher to be so uncaring.
I ran to Eden and held her and examined her scraped back and talked to her about her dirty clothes, which always seem so strangely important to some little kids… soon she was OK again. Bu the energy had not shifted down since Eden’s accident, it seemed even crazier than before. The kids were running wild. I wanted to do a meditation or game with them, but I had overstepped so many of Robin’s boundaries at that point, that I just kept quiet.
Less than 5 minutes after Eden calmed down Makeya hurt her foot. Again, Robin did not feel it was necessary to interrupt her conversation, much less get up. There was a lot of blood, it soaked through several layers of paper towel, and the cut was more than an inch long. I had soap and Isabella a paper towel and we kind of doctored the screaming kid and brought her back to the table. Fortunately I had drawing supplies in my backpack and the kids came to the table one by one and started drawing.
I did not write up the story, until Robin insisted that there was never any supervision problem on this field trip, and everything was just fine, implying that I made up the whole thing.
